![]() Bindings of IsaacĪnd that answered my question. However, a morbid part of me is wondering: what if it was not? Because that is terrifying. I suppose the people responsible most likely did it for laughs. Is nothing remotely sacred? Putt Putt doesn't even have the right peripherals. ![]() He starred in this edutainment series and was, by and large, a less aggravating version of Barney. A little, purple car with great big eyes and a bland smile. So, you probably need to be a child of the 80's to be able to appreciate precisely why this is so phenomenally "TOTALLY NOT COOL BEANS AT ALL". How does it even function? Does it involve pulsating geometrical shapes? Is it audio? Is it someone recording their own lustful pants over Jenn Frank's calm, smooth voice? Does it involve weird transmedia performances involving said voice? How does this work? I - no, don't tell me. (I know it exists because Twitter.) But, as a mental exercise, I find the contemplation of Super Hexagon lewdness a veritable work-out. Unfortunately, I'm too much of a coward to go digging through the fetid bowels of the Internet for. It isn't even so much I wished this didn't exist as it is I wish I knew why. Imagine if a Hunter decided to join in? What if a Jockey decided to take the wrong kind of ride? Why is this sexy again?! WHY. I mean, ignoring the whole potential for necrophilia, the notion of the Survivors having wild monkey sex in the game's setting just flabbergasts me. No matter how you slice that block of moldy cheese, something absolutely weird is happening. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to writhe really, really uncomfortably in my seat. Weirdly, the idea of Left 4 Dead porn doesn't mortify me as much as I thought it would. Morbidly obese zombies with cancerous growths ringing their skulls, a mutated smoker with an exorbitantly long tongue. As such, I find it deeply, irrevocably disturbing to have furry little spiders getting it on with a certain dead-eyed girl. This is Tim Burton's interactive semi-nightmare, I swear. Shadow-hands come creeping up at night to snatch away at your flames. Don't Starve, for all of its ostensible prettiness, is a dark place which requires you moderate your own insanity. But Rule 34 shenanigans make me want to scrub my skin right off my flesh. I think most arachnids are adorable in a fluffy, I-will-drink-the-pulp-juice-of-your-heart-if-i-were-bigger sort of way. Why be a prude when your quality of life can be only be described as expendable? Don't Starve. Though, in retrospect, it might make sense if the Kerbal nation subscribed to today's YOLO pseudo-losophy. Isn't it enough that we subject them to unlicensed and certainly less-than-professional attempts at aerospace engineering? Must we also dictate the carnal rhythms of their personal lives? There's just so much wrong with the idea of Kerbals Gone Wild that I don't know where to start. Why, Internet? Just why Since the Kerbal Space Program launched, hundreds of these big-eyed, oblong-skulled critters have been murdered. My only consolation is that only one sexy Diggle was ever tattooed onto a dude's arm. Is it the black, empty eyes peering vapidly into your soul? That flat, unpleasant yellow and appetite for violent death? The fact they sometimes show up with a coterie of equally bloodthirsty monstrosities? Is it just the principle of the matter? The Internet's compulsive need to satisfy the demands of Rule 34 regardless of the subject material? Why. I suppose I could see how Diggles might be construed as sexy, what with their suggestive drill-snouts and penchant for digging into deep, dark dungeons. And in celebration of Rule 34, here are ten games we really, really wish Rule 34 didn't bloody well apply to. But regardless of whether it's a product of specialized tastes, lolz or just continuity's sake, one thing's for certain: Rule 34 is, uh, an interesting component of modern society. I can see why Cloud and Tifa doing the horizontal mambo might be appealing but Lego loving just sounds like a terrible idea. ![]() But while some of it makes sense, others don't. There are few rules that the Internet operates by and one of them is Rule 34: If it exists, there is porn of it somewhere. And, for god's sake, keep off my lawn and away from those Angry Birds. The name "Woody" shouldn't be a cringe-inducing double entendre. Childhood cartoons, for example, should not be introduced to puberty. It's cool that we all have different ways of getting freaky, that we're actively battling negative cultural homogeneity and just, you know, exploring the limits of human pleasure. Some content, such as this article, has been migrated to VG247 for posterity after USgamer's closure - but it has not been edited or further vetted by the VG247 team. ![]() This article first appeared on USgamer, a partner publication of VG247.
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